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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26135629">for her.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltyCaramel_mm/pseuds/SaltyCaramel_mm'>SaltyCaramel_mm</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Red Velvet (K-pop Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, F/F, Fluff</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 10:02:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>13,190</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26135629</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/SaltyCaramel_mm/pseuds/SaltyCaramel_mm</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When you liking someone too much becomes one of your many problems, are you going to let yourself fall in love?<br/>A story based on the song 'for him' by Troye Sivan.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>89</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>for her.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Being drunk often helps you be more relieved.</p><p>Not having to think too much because you can't, saying anything that comes to mind because well, no one will remember the next day anyway.</p><p>But as everything does, it comes with a consequence.</p><p>You kick off your shoes as soon as the door closes behind you and stumble toward the bed, almost throwing your body on the mattress. And you stretch out your arm as much as you can to open the window.</p><p>You have a report to turn in three days later so you keep your eyes open, battling inside whether to wash your face and get started or just fall asleep and hope to wake up early enough tomorrow.</p><p>You stay like that for more than half an hour.</p><p>It was a shame you couldn't fall asleep.</p><p>So with a frustrated grunt, you sit up, rubbing your throbbing head and flop on the chair to turn on your laptop.</p><p>You open the file your professor had uploaded today(yes, today. College is always full of challenges.), and enter your name.</p><p>But as you were about to enter your major, your stomach churns with the feeling of wanting to throw up but can't.</p><p>So you stumble back to your bed, almost rolling on the mattress hoping to fall asleep to delay your agonizing hangover for tomorrow.</p><p>You left your laptop open which were radiating white, probably enough to blind all ghosts in the apartment where a girl lives alone with only two black words on the screen.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>Kang Seulgi</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>for her.</strong>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>You of course, got drunk again.</p><p>"The only good thing about being a legal adult is that you can drink!" Joy had stated after her third glass of beer mixed with little amount of soju. "So I'm gonna drink as much as I want!"</p><p>She ended up being the first one drunk.</p><p>At the age of 22, you can already feel your body slowly become less.. healthy. Maybe that was because you barely eat two meals a day and drink so often but hey, all the adults told you at your twenties you can even eat steel.</p><p>You groggily press the password and as soon as the automatic door slid open, you hang onto your senses because your room was on the third floor.</p><p>You had to lean on the wall or grab the handle a couple of times but at least you didn't disturb your neighbors you barely see.</p><p>Another password, you grumble to yourself and press the six numbers your brain was forced to remember. And as soon as the door closes behind you kick off your shoes and fling yourself on the mattress.</p><p>You try to get comfortable as much as you can but of course everything got uncomfortable.</p><p>It did get fun when everyone was drunk. Someone laughed, someone cried but most of all, you felt happy even though you know it’s just the alcohol in disguise.</p><p>But you wake up the next day with an excruciating headache and the aching desire to throw up all the alcohol you’ve consumed.</p><p>Just like love, you think to yourself unconsciously and scoff at yourself. </p><p>But in a way it was true.</p><p>Feeling all happy but suddenly hitting the lowest bottom when it ends.  </p><p>And you honestly had no will enough to find someone.</p><p>You see your friends fall in love, in a relationship and you have to admit, you did want to experience those fluttering, innocent feelings they always talked about.</p><p>But not enough for you to go on random dates or meetings because you’ve seen too much.</p><p>You know too well that everything comes with a consequence. Especially when it comes to relationships.</p><p>Of course you have a family. Friends. Even a cat.</p><p>But there was always a distance. It wasn’t their fault it was yours.</p><p>You took a step back whenever they took one step closer, plastering a smile on your face to assure them that you are just keeping a safe distance.</p><p>You chose to walk away from people who took more than just a few steps closer.</p><p>It somehow made you uncomfortable. It seemed unnecessary that they cared too much.</p><p>Maybe you were just that twisted.</p><p>You guide your head down and you can feel blood rushing to your head but it was just the right position for the cool night breeze to linger toward you, giving you a gentle brush which you can barely feel.</p><p>And you briefly wonder in your unconsciousness, if you could ever love someone fully.</p><p>You laugh to yourself, rubbing your tired eyes. Now you just sounded like an edgy teen with commitment issues.</p><p>When it was so much more complicated than that.</p><p>Complicated enough even for you to unravel.</p><p>So you didn’t expect anyone to unravel your mess.</p><p>You just left it there, thinking that hiding the mess is the only option.</p><p>It always ended that way and continued on.</p><p>You sit up with an agonizingly slow motion, and cover yourself with a blanket as you dive your throbbing head on the pillow.</p><p>And as always, your thoughts ended there.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>When you felt good enough to want to do something, you would always go to the old bookstore near campus.</p><p>Why not the college library?</p><p>Because there were too many people. It’s as simple as that.</p><p>You loved spending time at the old bookstore. Not being bothered how some people seem to be chancing a glance at you(for what reason you’ll have no idea) and sitting on the floor at the corner with the book you chose was part of your ‘healing time’.</p><p>So as always, you lean on the bookshelf with a contented sigh. </p><p>It was your favorite spot. Right beside the window, at the furthest corner from the door with bookshelves filled with all kinds of classics and poems.</p><p>You didn’t even realize you were dozing off when someone taps your shoulder.</p><p>Thinking it’s the owner, you immediately wake up, startled by the sudden company but you were even more surprised to see that it was just a girl sitting next to you.</p><p>A very pretty girl.</p><p>You immediately feel the uncomfortableness washing over, suddenly worried she might see all your flaws of your face.</p><p>“I guess it is a nice place to take a nap.” She says cheerfully and you can only blink, loss for words.</p><p>“Or is your book that boring?” The girl asks, pointing at the book that was placed on your lap.</p><p>‘Essays In Love’ by Alain de Botton.</p><p>It was ironic for you to pick such a book. You can’t even remember why you choose that book in the first place.</p><p>“I guess it is.” You reply with a shrug, closing the orange book.</p><p>“Why?” </p><p>Why are you so curious? You wanted to ask but she asked you her question first.</p><p>“Because I’m not into this kind of.. genre.”</p><p>You expect her to nod because surely she will respect your taste in books, right?</p><p>But instead, she shows you her book which makes you scrunch up your nose in disgust.</p><p>“You might like this.” She says but pouts when she notices your frown. “Why? Have you read it?”</p><p>“I don’t like romance novels.” You say, putting the orange book behind you and stand up.</p><p>You quickly dust behind you and was ready to walk away because your alone time was ruined. But the girl stood up just as fast, asking you another question from behind.</p><p>“Why not?”</p><p>You let out an exasperated sigh, loud enough for her to hear and to see how your shoulders went up and down in annoyance.</p><p>If this girl decided to be rude then you don’t have any reason to be nice either.</p><p>“Because it’s a common technique for writers to write sappy, lovey-dovey romance to please needy people.”</p><p>You don’t hear her reply for a while and for a moment you thought maybe she lost interest.</p><p>“That’s not true.”</p><p>But nope. Life was never that easy.</p><p>“Why do you think that way?”</p><p>You slow your pace. </p><p>It’s not like you’re going to see her again. She may be a college student too but even so there’s barely a possibility you’ll see her in campus.</p><p>So you decide to be yourself for once.</p><p>“Everyone wants to be loved.” You turn around and look straight into her eyes. </p><p>“To me, everyone is a helpless damsel inside which is just foolish and needy.”</p><p>You never really expressed this much. Not unless you were drunk with your friends.</p><p>And you expect her to be offended but instead she smiles as if she found you quite amusing.</p><p>“What’s wrong with that?”</p><p>You hesitate, glancing at some random books on the bookshelf which makes you scowl a little because the genre is again, romance.</p><p>What a perfect section to talk about your perspective of ‘love’. </p><p>“Because in the end nobody can care that much.”</p><p>Her smile fades a little and you can see a surprised look in her eyes. But again, she asks another question.</p><p>“Who made you think that?”</p><p>“There’s no who.” You say with a shrug and lock eyes with her. “I just know.”</p><p>You figure she will leave you alone now. Their opinions don’t match so no need to get along when they are strangers in the first place anyway.</p><p>You adjust your bag hung on your left shoulder and was ready to leave, but as soon as you turn around you feel a tug of your bag.</p><p>“I think you’re just scared.”</p><p>Your eyes flare up in outrage but she doesn’t even flinch.</p><p>“I think you’re scared because you’ve been like those people you call foolish and needy”</p><p>You turn around again because you don’t have time for some stranger’s nonsense.</p><p>But she stops you, placing her hand on your wrist which you stare down at it.</p><p>“I’m not saying that’s wrong.” She says which only annoys you more.</p><p>You hated being treated this way.</p><p>You were speaking facts. And she constantly wanted to know why.</p><p>This wasn’t some words of negativity because of your traumatic experiences or whatever people wanted to call it. Unfortunate happening. Lessons in life. Experience.</p><p>It was a fact so why was she acting like it could be wrong?</p><p>“Look.” You sigh, not wanting to start a fight because that was just a waste of time and energy judging from that determined glint in her eyes.</p><p>“I have my view in life. You have yours. So we just respect that and move on because we’re nothing more than strangers who coincidentally met.”</p><p>“You never know.” She answers back. And she sounded confident for some reason.</p><p>You didn’t like that one bit.</p><p>With her face radiating with confidence, you vaguely shake your head and leave without a word.</p><p>And this time, she doesn’t hold you back.</p><p>So this was the end.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Cafe is one of your favorite places near campus. </p><p>You loved getting fully ready to go out, with a laptop in one hand and a small bag in the other, you would always sit at the corner and mindlessly tap on the keyboard. To write or to search what sparked your interest it can be anything.</p><p>“My what a coincidence!”</p><p>But of course, worst things happen in life. </p><p>You stare at the girl in the counter who was giving you that annoyingly cheerful smile.</p><p>“Nice to see you here. I guess this is what people call ‘destiny’ don’t you think?”</p><p>You scoff, trying to ignore how pretty she looked even with the cafe’s old green and light yellow uniform.</p><p>“May I take your order?” She asks, giving you that knowing smirk which was very irritating.</p><p>And it was very much a coincidence(and never a destiny) that you decided to sit near the counter today because you were too lazy to go upstairs.</p><p>“Did you blackmail the owner or something?” You ask, the scowl on your face still evident but she only giggles.</p><p>“He hired me to work part-time here since yesterday.”</p><p>“When does your shift end?” You ask, hoping that you might come back later but she playfully shakes her head.</p><p>“Not going to tell you.” She leans a little closer to you so suddenly, making you almost flinch. “And you’re holding the line.”</p><p>And she was telling the truth. The girl behind you seemed very annoyed by your conversation with her and you hated being a trouble to someone.</p><p>“..I’ll have a vanilla latte.” You say in defeat and the girl smiles in victory.</p><p>“Cold or hot?”</p><p>“Cold.” You answer through gritted teeth. </p><p>“One cold vanilla latte coming up.” She returns your card with the vibrating coaster. “I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”</p><p>Your grip on the vibrating coaster tightens as you make your way back to the table. </p><p>Even after sitting down you can see glimpse of her busily working on the customers’ drinks. And you ponder if you should go further away or just stay.</p><p>You glance at your laptop and the bag next to your seat.</p><p>It would be a hassle to move at this point, right? Too much unnecessary work.</p><p>She seemed too busy with her work anyway so all you need to do now is minding your own business.</p><p>So you start by opening your laptop, deciding you should find the right music first before starting on whatever you have to do.</p><p>You go for the playlist with a title that read ‘You came with summer’ only because you felt like listening to summer playlists.  </p><p>And about five minutes later, your coaster vibrates.</p><p>Just as you guessed, the girl was on the counter waiting for you to take your drink.</p><p>“Thanks,” You glance at her name tag. “Joohyun.”</p><p>She seems a little surprised as if she expected you to just leave with the drink.</p><p>“I may seem hostile.” You say, shooting her a look. “But I’m not rude.”</p><p>Joohyun’s lips slowly curve up into a smile. Like how a ink with vibrant colors spreads on paper.</p><p>“Order a hot one next time.” She says as you take the tray. “I can do latte art for you.”</p><p>“Sure.”</p><p>She tilts her head playfully. “So does that mean you’ll come again?”</p><p>You give her a smirk before turning away. </p><p>“We’ll see.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>There’s a saying, ‘Three time’s a charm.’.</p><p>Who the hell said that’s true.</p><p>“Why won’t you tell me your name?” Joohyun whines from behind but you don’t even bother to turn around.</p><p>“You shouldn’t talk at a public place.”</p><p>“We’re the only ones here.”</p><p>“It’s still a public place.” You say, grabbing a random book from the bookshelf hoping to read something interesting today.</p><p>“So are you coming to the cafe again?”</p><p>You flip the pages of the book but close it in slight disappointment. “Don’t know. Why?”</p><p>“No reason.” She says with a shrug, placing her arms behind her back. “Just a genuine wondering.”</p><p>You go to the other side of the bookshelf but she stays where she was, looking down at the poetry section.</p><p>“When do you work anyway?” You ask as you try to find a book with an intriguing title.</p><p>“Are you asking that to never come see me again?” She asks suspiciously. “Because I’ve been waiting for you for almost an hour today.”</p><p>You stop walking and you can make out her figure, the bookshelf between you wasn’t able to cover her eyes which are directed at you.</p><p>She has pretty eyes.</p><p>“Do you wait for random strangers everyday?”</p><p>“You’re not a stranger.” She says and you almost jump back in surprise when she pulls out the book right in front of your face. She giggles and you narrow your eyes in distaste.</p><p>“I’m not your friend either.”</p><p>“Well, that hurt.” Joohyun says but her eyes were still fixated on you. “But point taken.”</p><p>“So. Will you leave me alone?”</p><p>“No.” She shakes her head which annoys you again. “I’m going to try to be your ‘friend’.”</p><p>Friend. You thoughtfully pick up the book with the title ‘I want to eat your pancreas’. But as soon as you realize that it was a romance novel you frown.</p><p>She would be a very clingy friend for sure.</p><p>“So. What do you say, girl-who-knows-my-name?” Joohyun asks. And when you were just about to answer no, she hands you a thin book by pushing it on the empty space of the bookshelf.</p><p>“I love this writer’s poems.” She says. “And the first step of being friends is sharing their interest, right?”</p><p>You stare down at the cover. “But I don’t like-”</p><p>“Oh wait.” She pretends to be surprised. “I almost forgot. The first step of being friends is knowing each other’s name!”</p><p>Scratch that. Not just clingy. She would make a shameless, clingy and-</p><p>“Please?”</p><p>You don’t know if you are too flabbergasted to say anything or just confused.</p><p>Because the girl oddly seemed anxious. Biting her bottom lip with that hopeful but concerned look in her eyes.</p><p>She did have pretty eyes though.</p><p>So you let out a small sigh, failing to put the poetry book back to its shelf and putting it in your bag instead.</p><p>“Seulgi.” You hesitate for a second. “Kang Seulgi.”</p><p>You unconsciously but instantly wonder if you made a mistake. But her smile scattered your doubts.</p><p>Her smile was pretty too.</p><p>“Nice to meet you, Seulgi.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>As you had expected, Joohyun was a very clingy friend.</p><p>She talked about a lot of things. From what she liked and disliked to even the simplest things. And you would just silently listen until she decides to ask you questions too.</p><p>“I think being perfect is something impossible but at the same time something that we all aim for.” She had said one day. “And I just know I’m not perfect. What do you think?”</p><p>Normally you would have been annoyed.</p><p>But you did like how the spot right beside the window gave you the perfect lighting for reading and resting. So Joohyun’s chattering became less annoying. Entertaining even.</p><p>And if you feel happy enough(for what reason you don’t know. You just feel this odd airy feeling whenever you headed to the bookstore), you would buy a strawberry shake(which she constantly said was her favorite) on your way to the bookstore.</p><p>It was a shame you couldn’t meet her at the cafe though.</p><p>“What day do you have work?” You ask, reading the poems without much thought.</p><p>“I’m not going to tell you, Kang Seulgi.” She folds her arms in determination. And her shoulder brushes against yours which only happened because she sat too close to you.</p><p>“Then tell me when it starts.”</p><p>“I work almost the whole day.” She says with a shrug. “So if you’re so desperate to not see me then you should find another cafe.”</p><p>“Exactly.” You mindlessly flip another page. “I know since you’re not around here on weekends you work part-time on weekends. So tell me when it starts.”</p><p>You stop to read one of the poems a bit longer.</p><p>You don’t know why but the sentence ‘Be my summer. Even if that means my summer will lose all its colors and turn black and white’ tugged you in some way. Maybe it’s just because that sentence reminded you of the playlist’s title.</p><p>You got distracted for a short second but Joohyun was quiet longer than usual. So you glance beside you to realize she was looking at you as if you were a complete stranger.</p><p>Okay so how mean does she think you are?</p><p>You didn’t mean it that way.</p><p>“I’m just asking because you promised to do your ‘latte art’ for me.” You say, awkwardly rubbing your nape feeling somewhat upset at the same time.</p><p>She stays silent for another few seconds. And when she finally opens her mouth, it was barely even a whisper.</p><p>More like..an interjection.</p><p>“Oh..”</p><p>Feeling even more awkward and upset, you stand up, leaving her still letting your words sink in.</p><p>“I’ll see you this weekend.” You mumble, failing to meet her eyes. </p><p>She tries to say something but you fail to stay composed and you decide not seeing that look on her face is the best you can do while hurrying off, leaving her words unheard.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“Well, you were mean.”</p><p>“Shut up,” You mumble, gulping down your glass of beer in one go. </p><p>It was Friday night which was the most hectic night of the week. And you can already hear people(mostly college students) cheering and drop some of the glass by mistake.</p><p>The bells ringing for more bottle or food and people constantly talking mixed with slangs.</p><p>“You do want to be her friend, right?”</p><p>You stare at your empty glass, wondering what to drink next but decide to not get too drunk this time. So you pick up your soju glass instead.</p><p>“I am her friend.” You slur a little as you pour the soju in your glass. “She made that very clear.”</p><p>“But you don’t act like one.”</p><p>“What is your problem, Sooyoung?” You snap, almost pushing away the bottle with your arm. “Okay I messed up from our first meeting till now. So what am I supposed to do?”</p><p>“Be nice?” Joy says as-a-matter-of-factly. “It is surprising though that you can be mean to someone.”</p><p>“.. Because I thought I will never see her again.”</p><p>“I doubt that’s the reason.” Joy says as she pours you another glass of beer mixed with a small amount of soju, not forgetting to make the beer’s bubble rise with the spoon. “You hardly ever act like that. And I thought only I can see the mean version of you.”</p><p>“She was annoying.” You add with a sniff, ignoring the glass in your hand. “Asking all those dumb questions.”</p><p>“But you answered every single one of them?”</p><p>You fail to gulp the alcohol down in one go and scrunch up your nose in disgust. “Yeah.”</p><p>“And you became her friend?”</p><p>“..Yeah.”</p><p>Joy shakes her head in disbelief.</p><p>“I don’t get it. But that girl sure is something.”</p><p> </p><p>You almost crawl your way up the stairs after catching a cab for Joy.</p><p>And as always, you open the window wide and let yourself lifelessly fall on the mattress with your thoughts scattered all over the place.</p><p>When you suffer from a hangover at night, you would always open the window because the cool breeze lingering around soothed you.</p><p>She was like that.</p><p>You cover your face with both hands with a muffled sigh.</p><p>No matter how hard you try she always manages to dive into your thoughts.</p><p>It was funny in a way. </p><p>Because you can’t quite grasp what moment made you hope she will smile back at you someday.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>* * *</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>It’s also funny how everything else becomes less important when she was around.</p><p>You could barely wake up the next day but somehow you manage to shower and look decent enough to go out. With your laptop and your bag, you enter the cafe and there she was.</p><p>She doesn’t wave at you like she usually does. And you can tell by her nervous eyes glancing at your puzzled face that she was very tempted to.</p><p>You hesitate, trying to awkwardly lift your hand several times but fails to even give her a small wave. So you sigh in defeat and walk toward the furthest corner of the cafe.</p><p>You can feel her eyes on you which only makes you more nervous.</p><p>And you realize you have to order your drink.</p><p>You take a deep breath, counting up to ten. And then ten more.</p><p>You finally stand up when you reach thirty but was a little disappointed to find a male worker on the counter.</p><p>But what makes you most disappointed was the male customer flirting with Joohyun from the other side.</p><p>You can see the slight uncomfortableness in her eyes but what is there you can do?</p><p>“May I take your order?”</p><p>You manage to tear your eyes away from them.</p><p>“One vanilla latte please.”</p><p>“Hot or cold?” The worker asks and you pause, chance a glance at them again before answering.</p><p>“Hot please.”</p><p> </p><p>You didn’t even dare shift your gaze toward the counter.</p><p>It wasn’t like you were anticipating her to hear your order and make the latte with her latte art skills just for you.</p><p>But if you are, is that wrong?</p><p>You just stare dimly at the blank white screen in front of you because you had no idea what to write.</p><p>One of the reasons you enjoyed going to the cafe so much was writing.</p><p>You didn’t write stories or anything. You just liked writing random quotes you thought of or whatever you pleased.</p><p>And yet now your head is completely blank.</p><p>Until you heard a shrill voice of a woman coming from the counter.</p><p>“I told you I wanted exactly two shots of syrup!”</p><p>You hear the customers murmuring but you couldn’t care less. Because that woman was glaring at Joohyun who seemed to be terrified even from afar.</p><p>“I’m so sorry ma’am. I-”</p><p>“It’s too bitter for me to even take a sip!” The woman shouts, stubbornly not backing down and you can’t help but glare at the stranger.</p><p>The woman went on and on about what a shitty service this was for a regular customer like her. And you were very tempted to push the woman away and take Joohyun’s hand to drag her out of this wretched cafe.</p><p>You can’t help but recall what she said before as you watch the woman leave.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I think being perfect is something impossible but at the same time something that we all aim for. And I just know I’m not perfect. What do you think?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>People make mistakes. But people don’t allow mistakes.</p><p>It was brutally ironic.</p><p>And many of the reasons why you preferred keeping your distance from them.</p><p>The kind male worker pats Joohyun’s back and says something to her which she agrees with a nod. And you see her leave, taking off her apron which makes you abruptly stand up, forgetting your possessions as you hurry out too with the umbrella in your hand.</p><p> </p><p>You just didn’t want her to be soaked by the rain.</p><p> </p><p>You found her sitting on the stairs of the back door, crying.</p><p>Time seem to slow down as you walk toward her. And you feel your breath hitch when she looks up, meeting your eyes.</p><p>“I told you I’m not perfect.” She says with a sniff, choking as she tried to chuckle that fails to make you smile back.</p><p>“That’s the kind of word that shouldn’t even exist.” You say as you crouch down. “It’s impossible to everyone. So it’s normal to not be perfect. It’s a definite, realistic fact.”</p><p>You even manage to smile a little. “At least, that’s what I think.”</p><p>“So you were listening to me.” She says with a soft laugh. It was barely there but better than the one before.</p><p>“I guess I wasn’t a very good friend to you.” You say and you are a little surprised to hear a regret in your tone.</p><p>“Well. Honestly it is hard being your friend.” Joohyun smiles. “Because it’s hard to even tell if I’m really your friend.”</p><p>“..You are.” You say with a small nod. “A good one even.” </p><p>You expected her to be shocked again but instead, she wipes her teary eyes and laugh again.</p><p>“I knew you were just a softie.” Joohyun says mustering up a playful smirk and you desperately wish you can do anything for her.</p><p>You know some things aren’t needed to be said because it can be expressed even with a glance.</p><p>But sometimes they are necessary. </p><p>It seemed necessary now.</p><p>“Maybe I am.” You reply quietly. Your voice was quiet enough for the raindrops hitting the umbrella to muffle the sound but you know she heard you.</p><p>But you decide to say it again because two words seemed necessary too.</p><p>“Maybe I am to you.”</p><p> </p><p>You don’t know why you very much wanted her to smile back.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>You only wrote two sentences in your document that day after walking her back home. Three, to be exact.</p><p> </p><p>
  <b>I don't need to look up to see the stars anymore. They are there in your eyes.</b>
</p><p>
  <b>And what's the use of the moon when you look more dazzling under the orange streetlight.</b>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>...What the hell did I just write?</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>With your feelings getting more complicated as much as your thoughts, you again drink with Joy on a Friday evening.</p><p>Only this time, there was company.</p><p>“I’m gonna drink like there’s no tomorrow!”</p><p>Wendy, who was your childhood best friend until now(and also who gets drunk after two glass), raises her glass high obviously in a jolly mood.</p><p>But you make a mental note to yourself after clinking your glass that you should probably stay sober to make sure they go home instead of some random place they’ll end up sleeping.</p><p>You weren’t feeling much hungry these days anyway.</p><p>You were always tired but never got sick. And yet you found yourself suffering from headaches for no specific reason and the strangest thing was you were on cloud nine but suddenly hit rock bottom. Even though you’ve tried so hard all this time to keep your emotions steady.</p><p>You were never an expert in taking care of yourself but it somehow got worse.</p><p>You can feel that by how your favorite shirt hung loosely on your shoulder.</p><p>“What’s making Kang Seulgi so distressed?” Wendy asks to no-one-in-specific. “Is it because she didn’t get the scholarship this year?”</p><p>Joy gives you a knowing look which you return with a confused frown.</p><p>“Nothing’s going on.” You reply blandly. “What makes you think that?”</p><p>“You seem.. gloomier than usual.” Wendy says, squinting her eyes at you as if she was trying to analyze your expression.</p><p>“I’m always gloomy.” You say with a shrug. “Nothing fun seems to happen.”</p><p>“I doubt it.” Joy say with a mischievous look that always kept you on your toes. “There seems to be someone ‘fun’ in your life these days.”</p><p>You glare at her but the words have already been spilled which only makes Wendy more excited.</p><p>“Oh! Did Spring finally come for Kang Seulgi?”</p><p>The ridiculous duo began to sing springtime has come as they poured another glass and you shrug.</p><p>“More like summer.”</p><p>Then you stand up before they can tease you more.</p><p>“I’m going to wash my hands and you both better not get drunk before I come back.” </p><p>“Can’t promise you anything.” Joy replies and you notice that she can’t already keep her eyes open.</p><p>So you just shake your head as you make your way toward the toilet. </p><p>You mindlessly pass by each table but your eyes hollow with indifference lights up when you spot a familiar face just a few feet away.</p><p>You can instantly tell it was a group blind date.</p><p>You just stand there like an idiot, watching her not notice you at all as she lets the guy pour the drink in her glass. And you notice how less uncomfortable she seemed compared with the moment when a guy tried to flirt at her at the cafe.</p><p>She was more complicated than you thought.</p><p>And from that short moment you feel your heartstrings slowly unraveling what you really felt all this time.</p><p>Because feeling your stomach churn after catching a glimpse of her smiling at the guy in front her explains everything.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>You were surprised to find her in front of the door when you finished washing your hands.</p><p>“You’re not really a kind of person who greets your friends when you see them, huh?”</p><p>“You seemed busy.” You say with a shrug. “I thought you didn’t see me.”</p><p>“I noticed you from the moment you stepped in.” She says. “I wanted to say hi but you didn’t even bother to look my way.”</p><p>“..Sorry.” You awkwardly utter an apology. “I’m quite dense about my surroundings.”</p><p>She giggles as if you said something funny. “I noticed.”</p><p>“Anyway. Have fun.” You say, ending the conversation because it was still hard to let your feelings sink in. “Don’t drink too much in blind dates.”</p><p>But of course she never lets you end it.</p><p>“Can I join you?”</p><p>That was probably the worst thing that can happen since Joy already knows and Wendy is dying to know.</p><p>“Why?” You ask in awe. “Two of my friends are there so..”</p><p>“I don’t mind as long as they don’t.” </p><p>And yet you couldn’t say no.</p><p>“..Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Nice to meet you Joohyun! Here, have another glass!”</p><p>Wendy who was already jolly and her face red enough to be Santa Claus, seem to be very thrilled. </p><p>Thankfully, Joy didn’t say anything.</p><p>But she had her sly ways of showing.</p><p>“Let’s play whispering game!”</p><p>“We’re too old to play drinking games, Sooyoung.” You complain but with Wendy following whatever Joy wished and Joohyun saying ‘I think it’ll be fun.’, you had no choice but to oblige.</p><p>And you swear you wanted to grab Joy by the collar by the way she gives you that sly look as she whispered something into Joohyun’s ear.</p><p>The whisper game was almost like testing your patience. Someone whispers something into someone else’s ear, asking things like ‘Shake your hand to someone who you think will get drunk first.’. And if you want to know what that ‘something’ is, you have to drink.</p><p>It was hard to not be curious in this situation.</p><p>Especially when Joohyun giggled softly after Joy finished and pointed at you.</p><p>So are you willing to sacrifice your ego for that? </p><p>You hesitate, not liking that smirk on Joy’s face making you have second thoughts.</p><p>But then again, your ego didn’t seem that important at this moment.</p><p>You drink your glass of beer and soju in one go, almost slamming the glass down on the table.</p><p>“Tell me.” You demandingly say with a scowl because you really didn’t like that smirk smeared on Joy’s face.</p><p>Okay maybe your ego was a little important.</p><p>“I asked Joohyun,” Joy say, wiggling her eyebrows.</p><p>“Point at the person who is mostly likely to be the best kisser.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Your plan of not getting drunk was ruined because of that stupid whispering game.</p><p>So Joohyun was walking along side you as you wobble your way back home.</p><p>“Put your arm around my shoulder.” She says, trying to reach out. “You’re going to trip if you don’t.”</p><p>“It’s better than me being the one who trips instead of both of us, don’t you think?” You manage to hold your balance as you wave her hand away.</p><p>But after a few steps you had to lean on the pole of the streetlight because your eyes were closing dangerously soon.</p><p>“..You said before that nobody can care that much.” You can barely hear her voice. It felt as if you were underwater, struggling to make out her words because you had to stay in the water.</p><p>Otherwise you can’t breathe at all.</p><p>“But I think you care that much.”</p><p>You rub your eyes, putting all your weight on the pole to prevent you from sliding down.</p><p>You were tired of this routine. Someone comes into your life, you care too much and make mistakes and before you can let that sink in he or she leaves. Or you become the one who leaves first because you can’t endure another heartache.</p><p>“Maybe.” You let out a small sigh, inhaling the evening air and silently admiring her features under the orange streetlight.</p><p>You were of this routine.</p><p>But it was already too late to turn back now.</p><p>“Maybe I am to you.”</p><p>All the twisted roads you took to escape always lead you to her from the start.</p><p> </p><p>You weren’t trying to be sweet. You were only being realistic.</p><p>Only speaking facts.</p><p>But you can feel your heart sinking with a heavy thud when she smiles at you.</p><p>Like suddenly diving in the ocean, the water finally enabling to you breathe as you sink deeper.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>“You know I only live in the third floor, right?”</p><p>“Well I tend to be careful with even the minimal possibilities.” Joohyun grunts, with your one arm slung around her shoulder.</p><p>When you manage to drag yourself to the front door, you lean on the door to force you to stand upright.</p><p>“So... I’ll see you tomorrow?”</p><p>She raises an eyebrow. “You’re not going to let me in?”</p><p>You weren’t sure if you heard her right.</p><p>“Let you in? Like.. going into my apartment?”</p><p>“Well, it’s rude you send me away without a glass of water.”</p><p>You frown. “You wanted water?”</p><p>“You can’t really think when you get drunk, huh?” She says and you laugh quietly.</p><p>“Honestly, yes.”</p><p>“Then just let me in.”</p><p>So there she was, sitting on your bed as you do your best to wake yourself up from the alcohol. </p><p>“Do you need comfortable clothes?” You ask and she nods.</p><p>“I’m going to spend the night here so I guess I do.”</p><p>You don’t even bother to argue as you fish out your clothes in the closet.</p><p>It was ridiculous. Her changing into your clothes as you brush your teeth and wash your face and then her brushing her teeth with your spare toothbrush while you change.</p><p>It was ridiculous how it felt so natural.</p><p>What made you worry even in your drunk state was the bed.</p><p>It was too small for two but you didn’t have any spare blankets either. </p><p>You spot a yoga mat you bought for home training and figured you should sleep on the floor using the yoga mat as the worst mattress you’ve ever slept on.</p><p>But Joohyun thought otherwise.</p><p>“I don’t want you to suffer from body ache when you’ll probably suffer from hangover too.”</p><p>“So does that mean you’re generous enough to sleep on this fabulous yoga mat?”</p><p>“Well I’m a little drunk too.” She says innocently. “And I’m okay with sharing one bed.”</p><p>“We’ll probably squish each other.”</p><p>“I don’t mind.”</p><p>So that’s how you ended up with her lying next to you. The only thing that kept the distance between you and her was the plushie in your arms which Wendy gave you at your birthday.</p><p>“What’s making you so grumpy now?” Joohyun asks and her tone wasn’t sarcastic. More like a curious wondering.</p><p>“I always sleep without bra.” You grumble, shifting uncomfortably. “It’s so uncomfortable.”</p><p>“Then take it off.”</p><p>You with all your might, raise your head. Never in your life you felt like your head weighed a ton. Being drunk sure is fun. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I said take it off.” Joohyun chuckles softly. “It’s dark. And we’re both girls anyway.”</p><p>That was true. And you being almost half-asleep and drunk didn’t really help you think but rather focus on the uncomfortableness tightening around you.</p><p>But why did the atmosphere feel like you have to take off your shirt too?</p><p>So you hesitate, wondering if it was just you or it was true that this was indeed a very weird situation. Weird in what way you were too drunk to figure out.</p><p>But they were both girls. And you were sure she wasn’t into girls. Even if she is, she would be asked out by a ton of people anyway.</p><p>And it’s not like she’s ever going to feel that way about you anyway. Just no way.</p><p>So you fumble with the hook behind you, trying your best to take it off in such a narrow space.</p><p>You manage to succeed and hold the doll closer to your chest after, feeling slightly embarrassed for some reason. You can feel the heat rising despite the open window.</p><p>You blink drowsily and bury your face on the soft plushie. But you freeze when you feel her fingers on your forehead.</p><p>Her fingers lightly brush down your right eyebrow which doesn’t help you fall asleep at all.</p><p>“What are you doing?” You say with a small whine but of course she just laughs softly.</p><p>“Just wondering how someone who is always so negative and grumpy can become well, like this.”</p><p>“I’m not negative.” You argue back, burying your face again on the plushie. “I’m just realistic.”</p><p>“Sure you are.”</p><p>You manage to lift your head, still feeling drowsy and light-headed.</p><p>It was a kind of feeling when you felt like you were watching yourself talk. Maybe that’s why you are talking without thinking too much.</p><p>“I don’t understand you sometimes.” You find yourself saying. “The way you act is confusing.”</p><p>“Oh, I’m the one who’s confusing?” Joohyun says, pretending to be offended. “I thought I was being very obvious judging by how Sooyoung purposely asks all those questions.”</p><p>“Well you shouldn’t have pointed at me all the time.” You grumble. “She seems to enjoy it very much it annoyed the hell out of me.”</p><p>“I know.” She says, quietly laughing. “But I didn’t want to lie. I wanted to be obvious.”</p><p>You thought she was complicated when she was honest all along.</p><p>“You’re glad I’m here, aren’t you?” She says teasingly. And this fuzzy feeling shoots down your toes and spreads in your chest as she runs her fingers through your hair.</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>It was almost like a whimper and you would have almost laughed if you didn’t feel this vulnerable.</p><p>And you can’t tell if she was smiling or feeling just as nervous.</p><p>“So what’s stopping you?”</p><p>You squeeze your eyes shut to think of a simple but right answer.</p><p> </p><p>I don’t think I’m enough. </p><p>You deserve better.</p><p>I have too many issues. Some I don’t even know how to solve.</p><p>You are beautiful.</p><p> </p><p>With all your thoughts wandering around, it was just too hard.</p><p>So you don’t meet her eyes for a while, thinking if she will buy it if you pretend to be asleep.</p><p>With everything you want to have and everyone you want in your life being your luxury what the hell is the right answer?</p><p>You feel a lump in your throat and tears building up inside. </p><p>You were glad it was dark.</p><p>Because you never would have been able to say this in daylight.</p><p>The words were too honest. Too raw. And you didn’t want to be vulnerable to someone.</p><p>You thought your lips were parting to take a deep breath but instead, you found yourself uttering the words with your eyes still not being able to meet hers.</p><p>Even when you’re drunk you can’t look at her properly.</p><p>“..I like you too much.”</p><p>You can’t even think anymore.</p><p>The closeness, the darkness and this weird feeling dancing inside make you blush in embarrassment but at the same time be more.. honest.</p><p>“I don’t want to kiss you when I’m drunk.” You add with a mumble and sigh.</p><p>You can feel the heat accelerating when she places her hand on your waist. And you flinch when her hand creeps under your shirt.</p><p>“My god you're burning.” Joohyun says with a giggle but you don’t complain. Only because her palm helped you cool down.</p><p>“..I used to always blush when I had a crush on someone.” You find yourself babbling.</p><p>Even in the dark you can see her raising an eyebrow. “Oh really?”</p><p>“Yeah.” You can feel that you are smiling like an idiot. “Even when my seatmate just mentioned his name I blushed in front of everyone.”</p><p>You don’t know why you are telling her this. There was no strategy whatsoever. </p><p>You close your eyes for a moment and you can feel her gently pulling the plushie away from your grasp.</p><p>Even with your eyes closed you can feel her close to you, her scent tickling your nose in a pleasant way. But you open your eyes when her hand starts to move toward your back.</p><p>You flinch a little because well, nobody has ever touched you like that.</p><p>“So what you’re trying to say is,” she says softly and you can’t tell if it’s her voice or her touch that made you this jittery. “That you like me too, right?”</p><p>You feel your back against the wall, her hand still under your shirt and her face close to yours more than ever.</p><p>You have fallen into her trap. Helpless, vulnerable and drunk.</p><p>But then again, what’s the use of lying?</p><p>A smile forms on your lips and you try all your will-power to keep your eyes open. And you placed your hand on hers under your shirt.</p><p>It was dark and yet her eyes were the brightest thing you can ever see.</p><p>“Yes.” You finally answer. </p><p>“I like you very much.”</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>You would have thought that was all a dream the next morning if not for the girl sabotaging your kitchen so early in the morning.</p><p>As always, you wake up with a terrible headache and an empty painful stomach.</p><p>“What’s making you cook so early in the morning?” You say with a slightly irritated groan but Joohyun just smiles. Her round glasses and her hair tied up to a bun made you wonder if she really was a year older than you.</p><p>Right after you try to ignore your heart skipping a beat as soon as you saw her.</p><p>“I get hungry when I’m happy.” She answers as if that was a very valid reason. “Making a stubborn ox like you confess is very refreshing.”</p><p>Oh. So it wasn’t a dream.</p><p>You fall back on the mattress, covering your furiously blushing face but you can still hear her giggling. </p><p>“I’ve had to say, Seulgi.” She says playfully. “I didn’t know you were that innocent.”</p><p>“Shut up,” You grumble, your hands still covering your eyes. </p><p>“So when are you going to kiss me?”</p><p>“In your dreams, Bae.”</p><p>“So that means I can initiate it, right?”</p><p>You finally peel off your hands from your face, glaring up at the still-annoying girl.</p><p>“That doesn’t make any sense.”</p><p>“Sure it does.” She caresses your cheek and you notice her eyes keep glancing at your lips.</p><p>“Makes more sense than what you babbled on last night.”</p><p>Heat immediately rises and you can feel your cheeks flushing in humiliation so you dive inside the blanket, making Joohyun laugh until the timer went off.</p><p>You feel her hands fumbling the blanket and she manages to find where your cheeks were.</p><p>The mattress bounces up and down and you can feel her sitting beside you. You can’t help but swallow when you feel her lips right next to your ear.</p><p>“But I liked it very much.” She says and before you can realize, her lips press against your temple before she stood up.</p><p> </p><p>She had to wait for you about half an hour to eat breakfast because you had to calm down under the blanket first.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>* * *</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>She started to visit your apartment a lot after that.</p><p>Not that you have complaints about that of course.</p><p>She would often use your kitchen and do the laundry without permission. But at the end of the day she was the first one you wanted to see when you opened the door.</p><p>And having her beside you at night, leaning on the wall with both your legs stretched out you found the evening breeze coming from the window more enjoyable than usual.</p><p>“Why are you doing that?” You say with a small giggle as she keeps nudging your feet.</p><p>“Because you won’t let me hold your hand.”</p><p>You raise an eyebrow at the comment. “You always link your arm around mine.”</p><p>“But you don’t like it.” Joohyun replies and her voice dies down, almost as if she was talking to herself. </p><p>“I want you to like it.”</p><p>You can’t help but wonder how does Bae Joohyun think about you.</p><p>Did she ever try to distance herself from your dislikes? Tried to like what you liked?</p><p>And the last wondering and a question for you was,</p><p>are you willing to change?</p><p>But you soon realize by the nervous look on her face as you chance a glance, that it was a ridiculous question.</p><p>You were already changing whether you like it or not.</p><p>But then are you okay with that? Your mind argued. You don’t even know how long it will last.</p><p>You can go on and on with all your doubts. </p><p>Because you’ll always try to answer all of them anyway.</p><p>You like her that much.</p><p>So you awkwardly lift your hand, not sure how to initiate it. </p><p>You find yourself blushing as you tried to think of the perfect way to hold her hand.</p><p>You always did want to hold her hand.</p><p>Her hands are so small, you always thought to yourself. </p><p>And her hand was warm just as you imagined.</p><p>You place her palm on top of yours, interlocking your fingers as you do and you silently admire how perfect it seemed.</p><p> </p><p>It was the first time you made her speechless.</p><p> </p><p>You started to hold her hand a lot after that.</p><p>You start to seriously think if you have a hand fetish because you can’t help but glance at her hand, battling again whether you should hold her hand or not.</p><p>Even after the coffee was placed in front of you you were still pondering.</p><p>Joohyun, who was too busy writing down something from her thick major book, doesn’t even notice.</p><p>So you wrap your hand around the mug instead, feeling the warmth calming you down.</p><p>You glance at her again, admiring how she looks with her hair tied into a ponytail.</p><p>And you feel stupid because your heart started to beat faster which happened so many times.</p><p>When you decide your palm wrapped around the mug is warm enough, you pick up the paper you didn’t even bother to read all this time and avert your gaze on the letters as you place your hand on top of hers.</p><p>You can feel her eyes on you but you can’t tell if she was frowning or smiling.</p><p>Just look at her and smile you fool, you curse to yourself, crinkles forming on the paper you were holding.</p><p>Your ears perk up when you hear a soft giggle.</p><p>And then you finally tore your gaze away from the paper when Joohyun turns her hand around, her palm meeting yours with her fingers wrapped around your hand.</p><p>“You were right.” She hums.</p><p>“I do like holding your hand this way.”</p><p> </p><p>You danced your way up the stairs that day.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>Your dates didn’t really have any difference from before.</p><p>You will meet her at the bookstore, you go to your afternoon class because it starts an hour early than hers and then you will see her at your place in the evening.</p><p>Sometimes you will have simple lunch with her at the cafe or a restaurant.</p><p>And you do enjoy every single one of those dates. But Joohyun seems to be less satisfied with it.</p><p>“Is it too cliche?” Joohyun asks with a sheepish smile. “Too ordinary?”</p><p>You glance out the window, watching people passing by and notice that the weather was just perfect.</p><p>You even liked how her hand was inches apart from yours. And if you decide to reach out a finger you can touch the back of her hand.</p><p>“I like it.” You reply, stretching out one finger to touch the back of her hand.</p><p>That simple gesture makes her frown falter a little.</p><p>But something still seemed a little off. Even while on their way back to your apartment.</p><p>“It’s not like you to be the sulking one,” You say playfully, matching your pace with hers. “That’s my role.”</p><p>“I’m just frustrated.”</p><p>You glance at the girl beside you, looking still distressed.</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>“I tried to do whatever I can.” Joohyun says, kicking the invisible air along the way. “I tried to take you on romantic dates but now I’m wondering if I should just take you to a fancy restaurant.”</p><p>“I love our dates.” You say, genuinely surprised. “What makes you think that?”</p><p>Joohyun stops walking which makes you stop too. </p><p>She turns toward you but doesn’t meet your eyes.</p><p>She hesitates for a second, even fidgeting a little which makes you find her both endearing but concerning.</p><p>You reach out to hold her both hands and wait for her to speak. </p><p>And that seem to work because she finally meets your eyes.</p><p>“Why won’t you kiss me?”</p><p>You feel your eyes widen in surprise. You almost even let go of her hands because it wasn’t an answer you were expecting at all.</p><p>So that was why she looked so sullen whenever you kissed her goodnight on the forehead after their dates.</p><p>You wonder if you should laugh or not.</p><p>“I was trying to make the perfect timing.” She continues. “But none of them seem to be enough for you.”</p><p>“..There’s no such thing as perfect timing, you know.”</p><p>“Now I know.” She says with a snort, and then a small sigh. “Nevermind. I’m just being whiny.”</p><p>You look around the evening street. There were no people in sight. The surroundings were dead quiet enough for you to even hear the evening breeze brushing the tree leaves.</p><p>You never really kissed someone. So you always figured Joohyun, who has more experience will initiate it when you least expected.</p><p>But then again, maybe that was why she wanted you to kiss her first.</p><p>Everyone wants to be the first of something for their loved ones.</p><p>You struggle to remember how people kissed in movies. Where did they put their hands? So you just press your lips against hers? Won’t that be too.. aggressive?</p><p>She notices the nervous look on your face and you suddenly feel embarrassed, averting your gaze and panic.</p><p>But she doesn’t say anything, waiting patiently for you to make the next move.</p><p>Just kiss her you idiot, you think to yourself. You just do it.</p><p>So you slowly let go of her hands, manage to place them on her shoulder but the next step is so terrifying you had to take a few deep breaths while looking down because your face was burning. </p><p>You were certain that you ruined the mood but instead she laughs.</p><p>She takes your right hand and guides it down to her chest where her heart was. And you can so clearly feel her heart pounding against your palm.</p><p>You never thought you can make someone’s heart beat this hard.</p><p>You bite your lip but this is the perfect timing. The perfect timing she made.</p><p>So you carefully caress her cheeks as if she can break any second.</p><p>You admire her features for a moment. From her eyes to her lips. </p><p>She closes her eyes when your eyes trail down to her lips and her hands gripping your coat gently pulls you closer.</p><p>So you take that as a sign that this indeed is the perfect moment for both of them.</p><p> </p><p>You swear even though it was your first kiss, that is the best kiss you’ll ever experience.</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>* * *</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>What is the right timing to say ‘I love you’?</p><p> </p><p>How can you be so sure that it was the right time to say those words.</p><p>“You just do it.” Joy had said which didn’t help you at all.</p><p>How can you just say that out of the blue? Won’t there be a crucial moment?</p><p>You don't know what made you want to say it. Or even why. You just wanted to.</p><p>Maybe it started from the flowers you bought for her.</p><p>At first, the words ‘I love you,’ seemed so bland you wanted to find another way to say it.</p><p>With all kind of different colors and various meanings which were all pretty much saying the same thing.</p><p>And yet that didn’t seem enough one day.</p><p>You learned that there will always be a gap you constantly need to fill.</p><p>If you get a 4 out of 5, you need to be better just for that one. The number that is bare minimum compared what you have because even with that one, you will be defined.</p><p>It felt nice you didn’t have to try so hard to fill that gap.</p><p>How everything seems to be satisfying and you feel like you can be happy with just that.</p><p>And yet you wanted to be perfect for her.</p><p>You thought you need to become the best version of yourself before you meet ‘the one’.</p><p>Because everyone wanted to think ‘the one’ will help them become the best version of themselves.</p><p>You never expected anyone to do something for you when everyone was too busy doing something for themselves. Everyone was realistically selfish and you accepted that.</p><p>But you aren’t sure if you are the best version of yourself now.</p><p>You didn’t realize that you stopped walking and you wake up when Joohyun looks behind and calls out your name.</p><p>“Seulgi?" She walks up to you, her frown evident of concern.</p><p>“What’s wrong?”</p><p>"..Do you-" You look down, feeling embarrassed.</p><p>You didn't want to be so needy.</p><p>You remember your mother always telling you how needy you are. And you figured by the way she said that in a sarcastic way that wasn't a good thing at all.</p><p>It became your weakness. Something you didn't dare show to anyone.</p><p>You've acted indifferently all this time but this wasn't something you could shrug it off.</p><p>Because it was important.</p><p>She was important.</p><p>"Do you love me?"</p><p>You didn't expect her to say no. But not yes either.</p><p>She blinks instead of answering and it wasn't everyday Joohyun get genuinely surprised because of you. It was usually her who always surprised you.</p><p>You should find the change of role enjoyable. But instead it was suffocating. The silence between them was suffocating.</p><p>So you rub your nape, feeling the lump forming in your throat.</p><p>"Never mind." You say, vaguely shaking you head. "I need to go. I have a group meeting."</p><p>And you walk away not even giving her a chance to say goodbye.</p><p>That was how all your relationships ended anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Your heart sank but felt relieved at the same time when you saw her in front of your class door.</p><p>“Let’s go somewhere nice today.” She says with a faint smile.</p><p>And of course, you didn’t have the heart to say no.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn't like you can automatically change your mind about her.</p><p>And it would be a shame to erase all those feelings that you feel toward only one person.</p><p>When that someone is willing to drive all the way to the 83 tower just to see the stars because you mentioned that only once.</p><p>But luck wasn’t on their side. They stayed until closing time and the more it got darker, people around them lessened.</p><p>You quite enjoyed the silence but still that clenched feeling inside didn’t ease.</p><p>"You said you wanted to see them, right?" She frowns up at the sky. "Should we drive further?"</p><p>And you imagine what it would be like to see them. Then you lower your gaze toward her, wondering if they will ever be more breathtaking than the view you are seeing now.</p><p>"I don't think we need to." You meet her eyes.</p><p>You always knew as time passes by those fluttering feelings will become too familiar for you to notice.</p><p>But that doesn't mean it wasn't pleasant. And that you no longer wanted her by your side.</p><p>You don't try to hold her hand. You let your shoulder brushing against hers be the only contact.</p><p>"I only need you here."</p><p>With that, another silence stays between them but you don't mind.</p><p>If this is going to end eventually, the only thing you can do is feel everything you can.</p><p>The aching that maybe you're the one who's too much in love.</p><p>The pleasant peacefulness during the silence.</p><p> </p><p>And the softness of her lips on yours.</p><p> </p><p>You never thought Bae Joohyun can be complicated as much as you are.</p><p>She was always the one who kissed first. And yet it seemed like you were the only one who was in love.</p><p>The thought made you pull away, holding her hand not to interlock their fingers but to gently push it away.</p><p>"..Seul-"</p><p>"You're not going to apologize or anything, are you?"</p><p>You look straight into her eyes even though the pained look on her face was almost unbearable.</p><p>"..No." She finally replies and that makes you able to breathe.</p><p>"Good." You say, ready to leave but you feel a firm grip on your wrist.</p><p>"I don't know why I can't say it." She admits. "I just don't know."</p><p>You didn't want to be negative about it.</p><p>Only because you didn't want to be the one who ends this. You can't.</p><p>"I don't know if you just don't feel the same anymore-"</p><p>"It's not like that." Joohyun looked as if she was ready to cry. "It's not like that at all."</p><p>Then what the hell is it?</p><p>You’re not even sure if she wanted to share a love lock with you which was something that almost all couples did.</p><p>"..I never said that to someone before. And I didn't want it to sound forced." She starts to explain.  "Just like you said you didn't want to kiss me when you are drunk."</p><p>In a way that made sense. But at the same time, it didn’t make any sense at all.</p><p>“..Take me home.” You say, you feel your hand loosening in her grasp.</p><p>“I need some time alone.”</p><p> </p><p> Joy was a good listener.</p><p>"I just wanted to say it so that I can say it more after."</p><p>It has been a while since you last drank alcohol. You were always too busy spending Friday evening with her at your apartment, excited that they can spend the whole day together on the weekends.</p><p>"But it's her first time saying it." Joy argues, "You said she had three exes before."</p><p>You give her a look. "What's that got to do with this?"</p><p>"I bet she never said that to any of her exes." </p><p>"Maybe that's why they broke up with her." You say drowsily as you slump on the table.</p><p>"Would you cut that out?" Joy snaps, flicking your forehead which makes you groan in pain. "She said she wants to say it. Yes she is a wimp but so were you."</p><p>"Me?"</p><p>"You couldn't even kiss her at the right moment." She says accusingly which makes your eyes widen, bewildered.</p><p>"I was drunk!" </p><p>"You didn't do it because it was that special to you." Joy adds, pointing a finger at you. "You wanted it to be that special so she waited, didn't she?"</p><p>"..."</p><p>"So it's your turn to wait, Kang Seulgi." She says sternly which makes you wince. "Especially if she wants to say it so badly for you even though she never said that to someone before."</p><p>Her words made you shut up. You feel your head getting heavier you rest your forehead on your palm, trying hard to ponder her words properly.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun was waiting for you when you got home.</p><p>She didn't even bother to turn the lights on.</p><p>'I enjoy waiting for you to come home.' She had always told you. 'And you know I get hungry when I'm happy, right?'.</p><p>You can vaguely make out the anxious look on her face as you leaned against the wall to take off your shoes.</p><p>You squeeze your eyes shut because you wanted to be sober. You wanted to apologize for being so childishly selfish but the alcohol was already overwhelming you.</p><p>Joohyun seem to take that the wrong way because even when you were drunk you can clearly see her teary eyes.</p><p>"Joohyun-"</p><p>You stumble back because of the sudden force, her arms wrapped behind your back as if she was scared you might vanish into thin air.</p><p>"I'm sorry." She chokes back a sob. "I didn't mean to.. I didn’t want to hurt you."</p><p>You didn't know what to do first. Try to coax her or say that she didn't need to apologize at all.</p><p>"Joohyun," You scowl because of the throbbing in your head(making you swear never to drink again for the nth time) but Joohyun seems to have taken it the wrong way.</p><p>The crestfallen look on her face only makes you feel more helpless.</p><p>"I love you." She blurts out, knocking back your conscious a little. "I love you."</p><p>She buries her face on your collar and you can already feel your shoulder getting wet.</p><p>The dim light above the shoe closet soon died down and the only thing you can hear was her heavy breathing.</p><p>This wasn't supposed to turn out this way.</p><p>You always thought words are necessary. They are clear. They are carried with emotions which make them more sincere.</p><p>But now, that seemed wrong.</p><p>So instead of saying, you wrap your arms around the older with a small sigh.</p><p>It didn't bother you that it was dark. She wouldn't want you to see her face anyway.</p><p>So you stay like that for a long while, until her breathing became steady enough.</p><p>Deciding that maybe you should at least brush your teeth, you awkwardly take off your shoes and guide her to your bed. Giving her a glass of water and you catch a glimpse of her tear-stained face when you opened the refrigerator door.</p><p>You notice the clothes she placed on your bed for you to change.</p><p>"Thank you." You say a little drowsily and take it as a chance to give a light kiss on her forehead.</p><p>You wished you didn't smell so much like a bar.</p><p>You turn on the lights as you enter the bathroom, splashing your face with cold water several times to wake yourself up and it seems to work.</p><p>You change into clean clothes and you breathe in the smell of Joohyun's favorite detergent.</p><p>You glance at the mirror in front of you. And then you shift your gaze at the two toothbrushes on the sink.</p><p>You stare back at your reflection again.</p><p>And you have to admit, only she can make you smile like that.</p><p>She didn't need to say it. Because it showed.</p><p>Not just the toothbrushes. Her favorite detergent. Her favorite clothes in your closet. Even your bed was hers too.</p><p>You remember how she always insisted you to sleep next to her whenever you tried to sleep on the floor. With you two sharing only one pillow.</p><p>It all showed.</p><p>You just failed to notice them.</p><p>So you push the door open, seeing Joohyun still sitting on the bed, her expression complicated more than ever.</p><p>You throw your clothes in the landuary basket and sit on the floor, leaning against her legs and rest your head on her lap.</p><p>And as always, she parts her legs for your head to rest comfortably on her stomach with your eyes closed.</p><p>You both stay mum. And her hands caressing your cheeks enable you to talk.</p><p>"I love you,"</p><p>The words are left hanging. And you feel glad she doesn't say anything yet.</p><p>"But I don't want you to say it back." You take a deep breath. "Not like that."</p><p>"..I thought you were going to break up with me." Joohyun's voice are still hoarse which makes you open your eyes.</p><p>She really didn't need to say it.</p><p>Her eyes said it all. And her hand caressing your cheek was just as delicate as it was before.</p><p>So in a way, it was okay.</p><p>It was wonderful. She was beautiful.</p><p>"You know I can't." You manage to say. "I don't want to."</p><p>"I don't want to either."</p><p>You raise your head and the throbbing was still there but you manage to sit up without collapsing.</p><p>And this time, you were the one who initiated the kiss.</p><p>It seemed like the only way to express it. And that was the perfect solution.</p><p> </p><p>“I think even with words they all have different meanings and weights.” </p><p>Joohyun says while playing with your fingers, lying close next to you in the dark just as always.</p><p>“And there are even some things that can’t exactly be described by them.”</p><p>You quietly listen to her, only your heartbeat ringing your ears as you silently encourage her to go on.</p><p>“And this being my first time wanting to say those words.. I just got scared.”</p><p>And you realize,</p><p>“Because I know that those will be the heaviest words with the deepest meaning I ever said.”</p><p>she loves you as much as you do.</p><p> </p><p>* * *</p><p> </p><p>Before you know it, spring was coming.</p><p>This was your first time spending the spring with her since you met Joohyun at summer.</p><p>And that was more special because today was her birthday.</p><p>But both being college students, you had to finish this class before you can celebrate.</p><p>Oh well. At least she was sitting here next to you.</p><p>You were barely listening to what the professor was saying because you were too giddy with excitement.</p><p>The cherry blossoms haven’t bloomed yet and Joohyun did say having dinner with you was just fine but that plan seem to lack something.</p><p>You wanted to do more for her.</p><p>"Let's get out of here," You find yourself whispering to her and Joohyun gives you a puzzled look. </p><p>"What?"</p><p>"I feel like doing something else."</p><p>Joohyun glances at the clock behind. "But the class ends like.. after about half an hour."</p><p>"I don't care," You say with a grin. "Even half an hour is precious because you only have like eight hours left for your birthday."</p><p>“You’re mad.” But you can see from her smile that she liked the idea.</p><p>So you both sneak out, which was easy because the lecture room was huge with about 60 students and you were both sitting right in front of the exit door.</p><p>“I’ve never done this before.” Joohyun says with a muffled laugh and you snicker along.</p><p>“At least I did something memorable for your birthday.”</p><p>You two succeeded making your way to Joohyun’s car but what now? It was too early for dinner and you didn’t really thought about what to do next.</p><p>“Is there somewhere you want to go?” You ask and she taps on the steering wheel thoughtfully.</p><p>“You don’t mind long car rides? I know you get car-sick.”</p><p>“It’s fine.” You assure her as you fasten your seatbelt(not forgetting to fasten hers too).  “It’s your birthday after all. Anywhere is fine.”</p><p>“Then..” She smiles, her eyes glittering with excitement. “I have the perfect place I want to go with you.”</p><p> </p><p>You never hated yourself more for getting car-sick after half an hour.</p><p>While Joohyun picked out a water bottle at the convenience store, you choose some snacks(which of course, included pringles) and you look at the cigarette display curiously.</p><p>You never really liked cigarettes but this could always be the first and the last time buying one right?</p><p>Although Joohyun gave you that disapproving frown of hers as you made your way back to her car.</p><p>"What?" You say innocently. "I always wanted to buy an e-cigarette. It makes me look bad-assed. I bet that the cashier guy thought I was bad-assed."</p><p>"Or stupid for making your lungs turn black," Joohyun says with a scowl and you roll yourr eyes and sniff the pack.</p><p>"Hey, these smell like oranges!"</p><p>"Will you just throw them away?" Joohyun scrunched up her nose. "You're not going to actually smoke, are you?"</p><p>"No but.." You gave her a mischievous grin. "Maybe I will."</p><p>"Don't play games, Kang Seulgi."</p><p>"Oh is someone worried about me?" You say teasingly as you wave the pack of cigarettes like a chew toy.</p><p>“You know that indirect smoking is even worse, right?” Joohyun says and you stop waving the pack.</p><p>“Really?” You stare at the pack in your hand. “Oh..”</p><p>Then you slowly make your way to the trash bin, throwing it away without hesitation.</p><p>“Can I wash my hands before we go?”</p><p>You don’t know why Joohyun laughed and blushed so hard.</p><p> </p><p>It was quite dark when she woke you up.</p><p>“Where are we?” You ask with a yawn, looking around but you of course have no idea where you were.</p><p>“My hometown.” Joohyun says quietly. “I honestly don’t know why. But when you said ‘anywhere’ I just thought of here.”</p><p>“I didn’t expect to meet your parents this soon.” You say playfully but she shakes her head.</p><p>“I don’t have a family.”It was hard to make out her expression in the dark. “The only family I have is an alcoholic dad who calls himself father which equals the boss of this family and a mom who passed away when I was born.”</p><p>Joohyun never really talked about her family and you had always wondered why. You have to admit you even got upset about it sometimes.</p><p>But after that whole ‘I love you,’ incident, you figured it wasn’t a matter of understanding but accepting too.</p><p>And you’re glad that you waited.</p><p>"I did always fantasize about having a real family. Because there was always something different about the person who had always been loved by his or her family." Joohyun admits, leaning on the driver’s seat.</p><p>"But now I don't know. I feel like I don’t need one."</p><p>You wonder if you’ll ever know what she has gone through until now. And wonder if you’ll ever be enough for her.</p><p>You wanted to be perfect for her.</p><p>Just like her hand holding yours, fingers interlocked.</p><p>"..What made you change your mind?"</p><p>She turns sideways and you wait patiently, unconsciously hoping to be one of the reasons that changed her mind.</p><p>"I don't really  know," Her gaze falters for a moment but meets yours again. "You just make it better."</p><p>“You don’t magically solve my problems.” She says,  “But you always made it better.”</p><p>And you smile back.</p><p> </p><p>Joohyun basically showed all her childhood to you.</p><p>You visited the small stationary store and it was pleasant to see her get this much excited, pointing at her favorite toys when she was a kid and even buying some of the things she wanted to take home.</p><p>“You know, I did make a hot latte for you that day when I made a mistake at the cafe.”</p><p>You stop admiring the floating bubbles she was blowing and look at her in awe.</p><p>“I thought you didn’t know because someone else took my order. ”</p><p>“I asked him of course. Since I did see you”</p><p>“I figured you were too busy shooing away that guy who was flirting with you.”</p><p>“He was very annoying.” She giggles. “And persistent.”</p><p>“Huh. That does sound familiar.”</p><p>“Well at least my ‘flirting’ worked.” Joohyun says, narrowing her eyes. “I bet you didn’t know that I ruined that woman’s order because I was too focused on that latte art I wanted to show off.”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“It’s a shame you never saw it really.” Joohyun says with a sniff, blowing another bubble which quickly floated away. “I was quite impressed by my skills.”</p><p>“What did you make?” You ask and she smiles sheepishly.</p><p>“A sunflower.” She says. “With a heart in the middle.”</p><p>You can’t help but laugh. “That’s adorable.”</p><p>“I spent almost two days trying to make that.” Joohyun says, “I know you’ll probably not understand what I was trying to say but for me that was the best way I can do.”</p><p>“What did that mean?” You ask and she props her chin on her palm.</p><p>“You remember that poetry book I gave you?”</p><p>“Of course I do.”</p><p>“And do you also remember telling me what your favorite poem was?”</p><p>You nod. “The stolen summer.” </p><p>“And I quite liked it too.” She explains. “Because it kind of expressed how I felt.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <b> <em>Be my summer.</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>Even if my summer loses all its colors and becomes black-and-white.</em> </b>
</p><p>
  <b> <em>I will steal all the colors of the flowers, the grass and even the forest for you to have all of them.</em> </b>
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  <b> <em>So that you can be my summer.</em> </b>
</p><p> </p><p>“So that was my way of saying it.” She laughs to herself. “Confessing too I guess.”</p><p>Be my summer. </p><p>It was amazing how there were so many ways to say that you love someone.</p><p>“I like that you make me feel like this.” You say, feeling your ears blushing pink but it was okay since her cheeks were tinted red already.</p><p>Who would have thought you can say such words to someone.</p><p> </p><p>You two took a walk around the neighborhood after that and Joohyun stops at the apartment playground </p><p>"Do you like climbing?"</p><p>"What a nice activity to spend the night," You say sarcastically which earned a slap on your shoulder.</p><p>“Monkey bars were always my favorite.” She says as she makes her way toward the jungle gym. “Come on! It’s my birthday in case you forgot.”</p><p>"You're not serious." You say but yourr grin was as bright as the streetlight around them.</p><p>"I once fell down on the jungle gym I had stitches on my scalp."</p><p>But Joohyun seemed unamused by the information. "So you're not going to climb up because of that?"</p><p>She made your reason sound oddly pathetic.</p><p>"You never know what will happen now, Kang Seulgi." She says as she comfortably sits on the top of the jungle gym. “So just let yourself decide."</p><p>Since you have no idea when she is going to come down, you had no choice but to go up.</p><p>"You know, this is just like that fairytale 'Rapunzel'," You say with a grunt, grabbing the bar above you to hoist yourself up. </p><p>"So which are you?" You ask with a grin. "The evil witch or the princess?"</p><p>Joohyun snorts at the question, leaning down to look at you with a smirk, her hair brushing back her shoulders along the breeze.</p><p>"You did say that everyone is a helpless damsel in distress." She says. "So I should be the one who’s asking you."</p><p>That made sense. Youi hoist yourself up again and now you can see Joohyun's shoes staring back at you.</p><p>You raise her head to look at Joohyun whose smile still didn't fade.</p><p>"Which are you?" Joohyun asked, her voice oddly sent a shiver down her spine. "An evil witch who wants me to be trapped here forever or a prince who wants to rescue me?"</p><p>"Neither."</p><p>Because emotions can’t ever be a salvation.</p><p>"I'm just a person." You breathe out, a little overwhelmed because of the climbing or the breathtaking view above you have no clue. "Who is as helpless as you."</p><p>But she always made everything better.</p><p>"Who is helplessly in love with you."</p><p>And when you reach her, she made the climb worthwhile with a kiss, gently caressing your cheeks as she always did.</p><p>It was the kind of kiss that made you think of nothing but wanting to do it again. </p><p> </p><p>With questions left to find out or left unanswered, some even faded and your flaws still there with hers,</p><p>you think that maybe you can love someone. </p><p>And that maybe you can be summer,</p><p>for her.</p><p><br/>
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